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The Pain Body Resurrection

The Pain body...


The less I feed it, the smaller and weaker it gets...

The less I feed it, the angrier it is..

The less I feed it the more often it visits... It's hungry, it's frustrated- it wants to regain its strenght...


Until it finally disperses, at its own time...


He shows up like a silent disease, a determined murder of joy... Bringing the feelings of glumness and boredom... A saturation with life- that's empowering the thinking about unfullfilled wishes.. . Always accompanied with dissatisfaction and the inability to find gratitude, it creates a numerous thoughts filled with negativity, producing sadness, anxiety, envy... that feed him.

While a part of me still wants to react, wants to give him what it seeks, wants to believe... a larger part knows it's not of it. I cannot be seduced with it, but I can not fight it, either. It can only remain with it and patiently wait to escort it... At least for some time, until it decides to come back and once again starts to play its good old game- trying to get what it wants.


(pixabay.com)


I felt like going somewhere, anywhere... I wanted that injection of joy and adventure. He felt like staying in bed. I repressed that inner wish and did what he wanted- at least, that was what I thought. Now I know, I did what was best for me, what I was destined to do. We were watching Joe Dispenza's discourse. At one point, tears started streaming down my face.. Every inch of me was vibrating with knowingness... I felt that deep love and appreciation for myself. I appreciated that effort, that persistence- that lead my to my mat everyday. I recognised all my actions... At that moment, I knew what I did. At that moment, I realised how far I've got. I regained my strenght. I deeply resonated with words that were coming out trough Joe. After two days, my heart was wide open and I felt the light streaming inside of my being... At the same time, I noticed that immense anxiety that was present... It wasn't washed away with love. Instead, it remained fuly present. I knew darkness and light were gazing at each others eyes...The inner fight began.


I couldn't wait video to finish. I felt like I needed to run away from it. I just jumped out of my bed.

"I am going running", I concluded. And I didn't go for a run for ages. Within seconds, I was dressed for running. Within minutes, I found myself in the woods. It was way after the sunset, the perfect middle of the blue hour and the night started to fall down on trees as I witnessed myself running through the mud, skipping any obsticales on my way... The path was going up and down and I just found mysef there, following it... One moment I was climbing, and the next I was going down... And even though I felt like I was loosing my breath, I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop for nothing..


(pixabay.com)


I thought I was running from it, until I realised I ran deeply into it. Anxiety wanished and my lungs started to cleanse. At that moment, I knew I was letting go so much luggage, so much grief... I felt it leaving my body, setting me free..


As I was catching my breath and finding my way out of the forest, I pledged:



I will do whatever it takes to stay happy.

I will do whatever it takes to stay healthy.

I will do whatever it takes to stay free...


To stay free...


To be (free).


 

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© 2020. by: Ana Matorić. All rights reserved.

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